HE knows best

thinking of the past,

there're some; full of aversion

there're some; unwanted to be remembered; embarrassing

there're some; forgotten

most of the time, i do want to forget everything.

and, yet,

sometimes, am grateful for the past.

thinking of the future,

planned; unsure

going on with the flow; unsure

unknown; unsure

and, i have the present.

i do wanna cherish the present

without tracing back to the past

without foreseeing the future

in a phrase; without worry

and, yes, worry ends when faith begins.

at some points,

the yesterdays i want to forget; because of today,

the tomorrows i am afraid of; because of today,

doubting my self; looking for the tangled parts i didn't untie and did overlook; self-checking.

unsecured.

unlovable.

finally,

to repent is the best way to mend,

to know that i live to die, 

to apologise to release the guilt,

to forgive to let go,

to live for Him, 

and,

the journey has winding ways. 

to summarise,

have faith; 

He knows best

in the past

in the present

in the future

full stop. 

a death and a newborn

September 9th, a death of a grandpa.
not my grandpa.
oh. am telling the story again.

i'm doing my teaching practice here, at the place. am staying with my partner's family. there're few others doing teaching practice at the same district with my partner and i. they rent a house nearby. in front of the house, there's a house. a sweet elderly couple were living there.
the first week or the second week, the uncle gave my friends roses. roses from the roses plants in front of his house. i took one and kept it in my record book. the uncle or the grandpa had a wife. his wife fell sick in the first few days we began our teaching practice. since my friends received the roses, i always asked the grandpa to take some. i usually take three or four roses. i dried them.
after 'Eid break, i once talked to a friend. i said that it's so sweet to see the grandpa hanging the washed clothes to dry them at the porch. ^_^ we thought about the elderly sweet couple... what if one of them gone first...?
and then, two weeks ago, when i was to accompany my friend at the house, the kind-hearted grandpa gave us some coconut juice. he plucked the coconuts himself. and i took some roses, few days later, which was on September 8th. he was at the front door. i, shy-shy cat asked for some roses again.
at the night,.... i slept tightly. in the morning, my partner read an SMS. he's gone.
i was... shocked. not to believe it. i cried.
i hadn't done any kindness toward them. T_T
in the afternoon, i went to the house. visited the grandma. she's okay. she wasn't crying. but, she did tell us she still remembers the grandpa. yeah. they lived together. only two of them. the grandpa ate with her. bought her food.... make sure she eats medicine prescribed...
i... i just took the roses...
two days ago, i stayed there. there're some roses. blooming beautifully. i don't have the heart to take them, anymore. no more...
al-fatihah.

Yesterday, September 16th, newborn of the first nephew in the family.
he was born at 12:20p.m.
that's all i knew about the baby.
the mother calls her son يوسف.
alhamdulillah.

i was so sad that tears filled up my eyes for almost every time i remember about the grandpa
i was so cheerful that i can't stop myself smiling looking the baby's picture
death
newborn
LIFE.

hi September!

bismillah...

gile banyak isu sekarang ni.

minyak.

pendidikan.

cikgu posting sabah sarawak.

tak semangat kerja.

cikgu BI tak berkelayakan.

ada defensif aku kalau nak karang, tapi...

hm. lain kali mungkin?

takut, mungkin?

habis sudah tujuh minggu bertemankan tekanan perasaan untuk impress orang.

tak mahu impress orang. tapi diminta untuk buat sesuatu untuk impress mereka.

dan aku perlu buat untuk dapat markah. ngaaaaaa.. untuk dapat markah??????????

mana tujuan utama hidup di bumi yang berbentuk sfera inii????????????

terumbang ambing.

mujahadah dalam dirilah yang belum teguh, konklusinya. cerita pendeknya begitu.

woah. seronoknya mengarang guna bahasa  melayuuu...

cita-cita.

jangan tanya pasal cita-cita.

jangan tanya kenapa disini aku belajar.

jangan tanyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

okey. lupa.

manusia ni kena guna psikologi terbalik.

sila lah tanya pasal cita-cita. silalah tanya kenapa disini aku wujud.

sila lah tanya!

antara kesan amal dengan kehidupan.

menguji keimanan.

terasa menjauh...

program sana sini... terikat. terasa bagai dirantai.

sudah berkata ya, selepas pertimbangan faktor jarak dan janji, tidak menggantikan ya.

mencari kekuatan itu susah. susah sangat. memang tak ada sumber lain untuk kuat.

memang kembali kepada Allah jugak-jugak, jalan terbaik sampai mati.

hal sedih atas kematian, sama. sedih ada kematian, sayang, untuk meminta agar arwah baik-baik sahaja, kepada Allah jugak kena mintak. Allah yang ambil arwah kembali kan? Allah pemilik hakiki.

hal masalah antara manusia. masalah-masalah yang tidak jelas.

yang datangnya melalui deria keenam. tak nampak. tapi dirasai. ngilu gitu. Allah jugak yang membolak balikkan hati tu. hati manusia tu. kena kembali kepada Allah jugak. kena berlari memeluk indahnya do'a kepada Allah tu.

nak tak nak.

memang dari Allah kita datang, kepada Allah kita kembali.

ikatan hati yang tidak terbina selama bertahun, di mana puncanya? tak tahu.

TAK TAHU.

nak salahkan keadaan? USAHA kita banyak mana? banyak mana?????????????

nak salahkan siapa?

mencari salah, salahkan diri sendiri cara terbaik. salahkan diri untuk membuat yang terbaik.

nak tak nak.

memang dari Allah kita datang, kepada Allah kita kembali.

habis cerita.

semoga Allah ampunkan saya dan anda.

R4BIA

i'm the fourth daughter.

i admire Rabi'atul Adawiyah, too. i did read a book about her few years back. not few years... about ten years ago, perhaps. yeah. most of the content in the book; forgotten by me.

i don't like the movie 'I am Number Four'. i don't like english movies, at all.

it happened to be a significant event in islamic history, coups d'état occurred in Egypt. the place of the event named Raba'a.

the faith is islam is rising.

and ain't sure am i contributing something?

yet, felt very relieved that i did have a chance to explain to two of my friends about the issue.

am a social person. i can't sit still without meeting people.

i don't like crowd. but, people.

i can't stay on my own. thinking about my own bussiness in a room. i feel stuck. i don't want such life. the field of mine is school. but i can't make it at school. don't know why?

if months ago, i failed to do something for Gaza thru the internet.
alhamdulillah, i did something for this Raba'a. alhamdulillah.

my 4 cents. 

this maybe small.  but am proud of it.
and this is how i cure the stress in me.

if my sisters on FB updated they've done many many many 'things' with their pupils in cultivating the awareness of islam (in term of ummah issue, islam practice, etc), i.... too far behind them.

am still fighting my own self; the mad me.
am still killing me; the angry me.
am still filtering the heart; purifying the intention.
am still paving the way; to make something happen.

WE ARE ONE BIG FAMILY.