i ask myself,
was i really mujahadah over my desire?
am i really mujahadah over my wants?
will i be a real mujahidah?
mujahadah is not a word for jokes
once i say i want to mujahadah
it means i have to fight my own self
i have to go over my mind
i will hate my own self,
pray hard. try hard.
die hard to be a mujahidah, self.
i found myself have some points that i really can't easily go through them when i need to fight them.
it was... in February. today is someone's birthday. okayru. merapu.
it just that, mujahadah is not that easy.
mujahadah begins in the mind. in the heart.
mind and heart must be clean and clear.
and it's true, only if we really do it for Allah, that's the best cure for the bitterness of being in mujahadah mode.
all this while, i questioned myself for things i left. for things i took. for things i did.
i was in such a sad and confused situation. it's blur. it didn't seem so wrong to continue and it did cause something wrong somewhere at times. syubhah. that, when i look at the mirror, the misery look in my eyes, i remember about intention. and that's it, the moment my eyes slowly shone with a smile cracked on my face. that's where the sweetness combined with the bitterness.